I found this piece of writing tonight, it’s probably one of the most honest things I’ve ever written. It still makes me cry when I read it. It seems like where everything begun.

I used to wish I’d never ever come across the boy this is about. But I’m glad I did. Emotion, whether it’s hateful or loving is the most powerful human force. And I’m grateful I have that to remember.



You were sid, and I was cassie, and from the very start of everything it was never going to begin.
Its meant to start with something unique. A feeling you give off to one person, and no one else around you.
you gave off the same stench to every person you thought was like me. Or maybe it was me who was like everybody else.
It could be all part of growing up.
Yet I thought, I hoped, I imagined you were so different to them. And for a year, a whole fucking year I actually never stopped believing you were different.
Every word, each proposal, I took as one unique to me and you.
Maybe each day, underneath the tens of layers of reason I had, your actions twisted a little bit of my soul, and an even tinier bit of my heart.
You taught it to grow a false skin on the outside, like leather. So tough that when someone should break through, they cant.
Or they don’t understand the cover. And you know what they say about covers.
A lot to be judged.
And people, they judge from the moment they sink their eyes into you.
So now, because of you, i'm left with a scared little soul, and an ugly leather cover.
Because of your dishonesty and falsity. Your ability to speak the same shit and your inability to understand the grand plan, I was left there.
Lying in the middle of my favorite secret place, that I wasted on you.
My favorite place, i'm unable to go because of you.
And you know how I knew, how I finally saw through you?
It only took one moment. Finally my head collided with heart to release your dark.
Why are you afraid to have fun?
So that’s what you call it, you do? Fun. Fun, fun, fun.
Taking one step forwards, three steps back everything lost.
For the one perfect moment, I can remember five days of hate. Unrequited hate.
I felt for you, and you didn’t feel for me back. I hated you, and you couldn’t even fucking hate me back.
What do they call that?
Oblivious.
Here I was colliding with everything.
And you couldn’t even move your head, to realize I was there.
I was always there. No matter how attached, how moved on I seemed I was more there than id ever admit.
I admit, I dwelled on so much, too much, too far, to the point that even I didn’t understand what I was talking about.
I just felt, something. The biggest something I could ever think about.
And still, it makes tears stream down my face.
Right now. Not that its unusual.
Not that your unusual.
I’ve become unusable.

I christened my new bed last night. Feeling fairly guilt free about it all too, considering I barely knew the boy. But isn’t that what summer is all about? Rendezvous.
It was total lust, and lovely to wake up in the morning to the pouring rain and an arm around me.
It felt good, I feel free and stronger in a way.
Who knows what it will lead to, or how I’ll feel about it tomorrow morning.
I feel inspired by him, by me and by the world today.
So bizarre that I’ve come up with a new years resolution to travel to NY for a month next year, and he had done exactly that not too long ago.
It’s like magic, and little moments like that make me think something’s are meant to happen for a reason.
I’m at peace with most stuff right now, I love how things are turning out.
What will be, will be. I’ll take it as it comes, with excitement but not over-eagerness.
It’s my second night in my new house where im home alone tonight, and I’m ok with it.
I would love some vegetables right now.
But all is well.

I just finished Christmas shopping. It’s 1am on Christmas eve day. And I can’t help but think, what is it all for? I give and give and give and then get but it just feels like I’m not getting any further ahead.
I try to look after myself, but im sick. I’ve got a new job, but it sucks. I miss someone, but I don’t know who it is.
And maybe all I really need is a good nights sleep, but still I would be incomplete.
Sometimes all I think that’s left to do is get away from it all, and do something that really matters.
I’ve racked my brain thinking what I could do, where I could go, but nothing really seems right for me.
I want to help people in my own way. I remember an old teacher said her goal in life was just to leave the world a better place than it was before she came into it.
I want a challenge, a boredom-buster.
Greed is ugly, but it’s everywhere. And it’s growing. It makes me feel like crying.
And giving in.
To these shoes. They could complete me for now.

i would love a summer love, one that lasts right into the start of winter. One thats impulsive, wet, sweaty and sweet. but loving.
I would love to be paid for like im worth more than the money, to have fun and still feel like its not enough, and to be put before everything else.
I would love to fall in so much that i forget how shit males can treat you, eight out of ten times.

but seeing as the possibility of that seems so far off, i'm willing to settle for something less.
All i want is some love and tea and toast in the morning.
then they can be gone.

At this point, right now, the lines I draw between what I love, who I love and those i lust after - dont exist. Maybe i'm lacking in wisdom that comes with age, or maybe im just really indecisive.

Which could explain why i've spent months dwelling over what I could write this about. Slowly though, some things become clearer.

Love is a subtle feeling that something that stays in your mind, long past the event or object or person has passed. Lust is so much more passionate in the present, and sometimes it fades away as quickly as it came.

A certain boy comes to mind when i hear the word love, but it would be silly to dwell on it now. It breaks my heart that i still do. He broke it too. But was that even love to begin with?

who knows and i guess, who cares.

Lust is easier sometimes. It's the people you can't even be bothered explaining or giving a minute of thought to.


Though most of our iterests in life I find, fall into either these two categories.
I realised tonight, to write something, anything, has been on my mind since I could read and write.
It's a love.

So this is the place where i'll continue to record my loves and my lusts in all things i come across.

Hopefully someone cares.