Love and Lust
A collision of all the best forces.
Monday, December 28, 2009
powerful words
I found this piece of writing tonight, it’s probably one of the most honest things I’ve ever written. It still makes me cry when I read it. It seems like where everything begun.
I used to wish I’d never ever come across the boy this is about. But I’m glad I did. Emotion, whether it’s hateful or loving is the most powerful human force. And I’m grateful I have that to remember.
You were sid, and I was cassie, and from the very start of everything it was never going to begin.
Its meant to start with something unique. A feeling you give off to one person, and no one else around you.
you gave off the same stench to every person you thought was like me. Or maybe it was me who was like everybody else.
It could be all part of growing up.
Yet I thought, I hoped, I imagined you were so different to them. And for a year, a whole fucking year I actually never stopped believing you were different.
Every word, each proposal, I took as one unique to me and you.
Maybe each day, underneath the tens of layers of reason I had, your actions twisted a little bit of my soul, and an even tinier bit of my heart.
You taught it to grow a false skin on the outside, like leather. So tough that when someone should break through, they cant.
Or they don’t understand the cover. And you know what they say about covers.
A lot to be judged.
And people, they judge from the moment they sink their eyes into you.
So now, because of you, i'm left with a scared little soul, and an ugly leather cover.
Because of your dishonesty and falsity. Your ability to speak the same shit and your inability to understand the grand plan, I was left there.
Lying in the middle of my favorite secret place, that I wasted on you.
My favorite place, i'm unable to go because of you.
And you know how I knew, how I finally saw through you?
It only took one moment. Finally my head collided with heart to release your dark.
Why are you afraid to have fun?
So that’s what you call it, you do? Fun. Fun, fun, fun.
Taking one step forwards, three steps back everything lost.
For the one perfect moment, I can remember five days of hate. Unrequited hate.
I felt for you, and you didn’t feel for me back. I hated you, and you couldn’t even fucking hate me back.
What do they call that?
Oblivious.
Here I was colliding with everything.
And you couldn’t even move your head, to realize I was there.
I was always there. No matter how attached, how moved on I seemed I was more there than id ever admit.
I admit, I dwelled on so much, too much, too far, to the point that even I didn’t understand what I was talking about.
I just felt, something. The biggest something I could ever think about.
And still, it makes tears stream down my face.
Right now. Not that its unusual.
Not that your unusual.
I’ve become unusable.
I used to wish I’d never ever come across the boy this is about. But I’m glad I did. Emotion, whether it’s hateful or loving is the most powerful human force. And I’m grateful I have that to remember.
You were sid, and I was cassie, and from the very start of everything it was never going to begin.
Its meant to start with something unique. A feeling you give off to one person, and no one else around you.
you gave off the same stench to every person you thought was like me. Or maybe it was me who was like everybody else.
It could be all part of growing up.
Yet I thought, I hoped, I imagined you were so different to them. And for a year, a whole fucking year I actually never stopped believing you were different.
Every word, each proposal, I took as one unique to me and you.
Maybe each day, underneath the tens of layers of reason I had, your actions twisted a little bit of my soul, and an even tinier bit of my heart.
You taught it to grow a false skin on the outside, like leather. So tough that when someone should break through, they cant.
Or they don’t understand the cover. And you know what they say about covers.
A lot to be judged.
And people, they judge from the moment they sink their eyes into you.
So now, because of you, i'm left with a scared little soul, and an ugly leather cover.
Because of your dishonesty and falsity. Your ability to speak the same shit and your inability to understand the grand plan, I was left there.
Lying in the middle of my favorite secret place, that I wasted on you.
My favorite place, i'm unable to go because of you.
And you know how I knew, how I finally saw through you?
It only took one moment. Finally my head collided with heart to release your dark.
Why are you afraid to have fun?
So that’s what you call it, you do? Fun. Fun, fun, fun.
Taking one step forwards, three steps back everything lost.
For the one perfect moment, I can remember five days of hate. Unrequited hate.
I felt for you, and you didn’t feel for me back. I hated you, and you couldn’t even fucking hate me back.
What do they call that?
Oblivious.
Here I was colliding with everything.
And you couldn’t even move your head, to realize I was there.
I was always there. No matter how attached, how moved on I seemed I was more there than id ever admit.
I admit, I dwelled on so much, too much, too far, to the point that even I didn’t understand what I was talking about.
I just felt, something. The biggest something I could ever think about.
And still, it makes tears stream down my face.
Right now. Not that its unusual.
Not that your unusual.
I’ve become unusable.
1 Comments:
lottie&nugget said...
I love that photo